Diary of Saruman
Palintir revealed strange rift opening between this world and one of a (get this!) fairy tale world. Very odd characters from that world wandering into Middle Earth. Oh, well. Just more victims for my orcs to slaughter.
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Diary of Cinderella
Back to life of drudgery. Some fairy godmother! Midnight deadlines? What kind of fairy godmother has time limits on her magic spells? To whom do I complain about this?
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Diary of Prince in Search of She Whose Foot Fits in the Glass Slipper
Searched just about every household in the kingdom. Had no idea there were so many homely, desperate women out there. Where is that beautiful mysterious princess who stole my heart that other night at the ball? I must find her!
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Diary of the Mirror on the Wall
Queen fit to be tied today. Asked me again, as she has every single day since she bought me at that flea market, who is the fairest of them all. Had to tell her something different today because strange rift opened between our world and another. Am now aware of one far more beautiful than vain queen: one nancing blond elf named Legolas Greenleaf. Queen did not take it well. She sent for her favorite assassin: Woodsman with his trusty ax.
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Diary of Legolas
What a day. Where do I begin to record strange events? Somewhat attractive prince from far away land crossed paths with our Fellowship. Carried a glass slipper. Who wears glass slippers? Not only uncomfortable, but very tacky. Never catch elves wearing such stupid footwear.
Prince took one look at me, dropped glass slipper and it shattered. Said something about to hell with mysterious princesses who won't even leave a name or address. Then he dropped down to one knee and begged me to run away with him.
Glanced over at Aragorn. He looked like he wanted to kill that prince. Aragorn pulled out his sword and told that prince to take a hike, and then he said (I quote), "Stay away from my elf!"
Oh, so now he cares? Tried last night to get him to discuss our relationship and where it was going. High and mighty Ranger got all evasive on me, saying we should be focusing on our quest to help Ring-Bearer take ring to Mt. Doom. Oh, why does he toy with my feelings like that? Sometimes he makes me believe I'm all he desires. Other times he makes me feel like I'm just a temporary diversion while he ponders his feelings for Arwen.
So the prince who dropped the glass slipper left. Thought I heard him sobbing as he rode off on his horse.
Then another suitor tried to court me, much to Aragorn's dismay. A strong, hunky woodsman. Odd method of courting, though. First he came charging at me with his ax, as if about to chop me into Elven pate. Then he stopped, stared at me, lowered his ax and dropped down to one knee. Can you guess what he did next? Yep, just like the prince with the glass slipper, he begged me to run away with him. Aragorn looked like he was going to burst a blood vessel; he was so jealous. Almost
cute when he gets that way. Aragorn told the woodsman to take a hike, like he did with the prince. Must speak to Aragorn about his possessiveness. An elf needs some space, after all. Don't need to feel smothered.
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Diary of Saruman
So thankful I have Palintir! Laughing so hard that I'm crying! Nancing elf being courted by strange men from that other world. Reaction from the Ranger is priceless! Hey, serves Aragorn right for stringing along that nancing elf! *snicker!* This is better than cable!
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Diary of Aragorn
I can't take that elf anywhere! Strange suitors keep coming out of the woodwork trying to steal Legolas away from me! Maybe it's time I made a commitment to him. Aargghh! That maddening elf! His beauty is intoxicating to me! But what about Arwen? Arrgghh! Must focus on quest! Must protect Ring-Bearer! Must keep other suitors from touching my elf! Aargghh! The stress!
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Diary of Pinocchio
Unnerving experience earlier today. Met pair of strangers who introduced themselves as Hobbits named Merry and Pippin. Chatted for a while. When they saw what happens to my nose whenever I tell a fib, they got all excited. Wanted me to lie on ground so they could take turns sitting on my face while I tell fibs.
Ugh! Pervy Hobbits! I ran back home.
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Diary of the Queen Who Wants To Be Fairest Of Them All
Situation unacceptable. Who would have thought my favorite assassin is pervy elf-fancier? Sent team of royal guards to arrest woodsman so I can have him executed for failing to carry out assignment.
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Diary of the Wife of the Woodsman
I'll take it all! Children, house, furniture! How dare he lust after another?
Just how beautiful can an elf possibly be? If I didn't have to spend past ten years raising children, cooking all our meals, cleaning our house from top to bottom, and doing laundry, I could be beautiful, too! I'd have time for fitness gyms, day spas and beauty salons!
Commotion outside. Group of strangers walking past our house. Four little ones with big, hairy feet, one hairy dwarf, two men and one nancing elf. Nancing elf? OMIGOD! Not even when I was a mere lass of nineteen did I even look half as beautiful as that nancing elf does now! Want to cry! It's not fair!
No wonder my husband wants to leave me for him!
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Diary of Gimli
Thought it would be nice to bond with other dwarfs from strange world. Not going to happen. Turns out all seven of them fancy our nancing elf.
Aragorn is not going to like it.
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Diary of Saruman
This just keeps getting better and better. Palintir showed me latest uproar in that fairy tale world. Apparently there are no straight men there; just men who have yet to meet Legolas. So far every male from that world who has gazed upon the beauty of that nancing elf has then dumped his wife or girlfriend. There are now reports of grumbling among those males as they plot how to get rid of Aragorn.
Will have Orcs hold off on attacking Fellowship for now. Want to see if fairy tale men can do away with Aragorn. Much more entertaining this way.
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Diary of the Queen Who Wants To Be Fairest Of Them All
Situation grows even more unacceptable. My team of royal guards consists entirely of pervy elf-fanciers. They have joined woodsman and other males throughout fairy tale world to plot how to win love of that nancing elf and do away with jealous Ranger.
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Diary of Aragorn
Legolas's group of admirers has grown. They follow us, but keep their distance. Every time we turn to look at them, they stop, whistle while looking up at sky and trees, kick pebbles and pretend they are not following us. Insult to our intelligence.
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Diary of Cinderella
Have been appointed leader of newly formed support group of maidens, ladies, princesses and queens throughout fairy tale world. Purpose is to discuss ways to deal with being completely affection-starved now that every male in our world has left us for the infamous nancing elf.
Agenda for next meeting:
Venting and Ranting
Refreshments
Fashion Tips
Beauty Tips
Controversial Topic: Shall We Now Become Lesbians?
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Diary of Aragorn
Captured by Legolas's jealous suitors. Careless of me. Was too busy arguing with him about our relationship when a group of them jumped me. Then another group grabbed my elf, shoved him into a cage on wheels and took him away. I know not where they have taken my beloved elf.
Group of jealous suitors apparently led by that prince who earlier had glass slipper. He offered to spare my life on condition I share Legolas with each and every one of them. Otherwise, they will hang me.
In order to buy time, I told them that would be up to Legolas, as he decides for himself with whom he wants to be. The prince pondered that and agreed. Then told me that if Legolas refuses to allow each and every one of them to have a turn with him, they will hang me.
Gee, I hope Legolas isn't too angry with me for our earlier argument. What am I saying? I don't want Legolas to give himself to these men! Must find way out of this!
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Diary of Boromir
Aragorn and Legolas have been captured! Who would have thought a bunch of elf-fanciers from a fairy tale world would be able to pull that off?!
Time to get into rescue mode.
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Diary of Legolas
Captured by large group of aggressive suitors. Locked me in cage. Normally, I would find this to be kinky, but I do not know what these strangers have in mind. And what have they done to Aragorn? Where is he?
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Diary of Frodo
Oh, no! Our quest may fail! Aragorn and Legolas have been captured! To arms, my fellow Hobbits, to arms! We must not leave our friends to unspeakable torment and death!
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Diary of Sam
We must now go and rescue Aragorn and Legolas. But first must pry Merry and Pippin away from that strange wooden puppet with growing nose.
Puppet was most happy to see us leave.
Part 2